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Text File | 1993-03-08 | 26KB | 490 lines

================================================================================ WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE ================================================================================ _ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue 46 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 11/25/90 ---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ---------- is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p. ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITORIALS AND LETTERS Pickle introduces the issue (surprise) IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS Back issues available A cry for help from the Br0ckport thr0ng Sabre makes a conspiracy-enhancing suggestion JiMb00se talks about the folks in the desert Mugwump talks about the winter holidays EVENTS AND NEWS Two not-made-up news items about m00ses MUSELIX thr0ng progress report INTERESTING ARTICLES The facts about m00se/car collisions FICTION AND POETRY "Demon Rabbit" by Faye Lavin M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE The fourth sign of the M00se Age Road sign of the M00se Age -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bl00p and well-met, everybody. Now, you probably expected this to be the Thanksgiving issue, since it's coming out on Thanksgiving and all, but it was not to be. I have a plan, by the way, for getting Winona Ryder away from Johnny Depp. It's a very detailed and sophisticated plan, and it cannot possibly fail. If anybody out there knows where I can get a large, well-armed, luxurious airship (rigid or semi-rigid envelope only), please contact me privately. Once again, I must apologize for the time it took to get this issue out. I am employed, in a manner of speaking, doing temp work for the local nuclear power company, and I haven't been doing much else besides coming home, lounging around in a semi-exhausted state, and then going to sleep. I'm trying to find employment and quarters in Central New York, Ithaca or Syracuse specifically, and that's taking up some of what little time I have remaining. Hopefully, if I succeed in my attempt to leave this area, I'll have more time when I get settled in. In the meantime, we'll have to look to M00se Dr00l and any other alternative m00se-oriented publications to fill in the gaps between issues of Droppings. When you reach the bottom of this issue, you'll notice the lack of a Ubiquitous M00se List Update. I have decided that, since the newsletter is being sent rather infrequently, I will simply send a complete m00se list each time I send the newsletter. If this will cause problems for anyone, let me know, and we'll see if we can work out something else. One last thing. I am holding the M00se C0de posting for next issue, because I don't know who sent it. Please contact me and let me know, whoever you are. And now, on with the issue..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back issues of M00se Droppings are now available at quartz.rutgers.edu via FTP. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [A plea from CoM00tose.] To every m00se in every last m00secollege: IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS A NEW M00SETOPIC The topic is about our college policy regarding hours of operation for the computer labs, and we need all you m00ses out there to help us. All the m00ses and other non-m00ses here at SUNY@BROCKPORT have fallen victim to administrative m00secrap. They have taken control and made our lives miserable (well, maybe slightly exaggerated). This problem pertains only to the computer lab which gives access to our MAINFRAME COMPUTER. So here is our problem. Our computer lab has set posted hours of operation. During these hours there is a User Consultant and a student Supervisor on duty to help students with any problems that may arise. The Supervisors are given keys to the computer lab, which makes them the only ones that can open and/or close the lab. The policy in the past was simple: The supervisor could keep the lab open after the posted hours, allowing the public to use the facilities. The lab would be officially closed when the supervisor wanted to go home. The time a supervisor stayed late was on their own time (non-payroll). Thought process is that if a supervisor is here anyway, there is no difference if it is after the posted closing hours. This policy worked great and there were no problems (everyone was happy). Fall of 1990 we had an administrative change! As you can guess the policy of keeping the computer lab open after hours was changed. The new policy is that the lab is closed to the public at the posted closing times. Only the staff that works in the computer lab is allowed to stay. Of course only supervisors have keys so they control when the lab is to close. Most of the people that work in the lab are computer science majors, or people that need access to the system, and the supervisors would prefer to let the public have access to the system. Strength is in numbers and everyone has the ability to help, so we need you to prevent us from being taken advantage of by our administration. All the m00ses that have similar policies of keeping their computer labs open after the posted hours (for the public), or the labs that are kept open 24 hours a day, PLEASE send mail IMMEDIATELY. Let us know what your policy is, how long you have been using this policy and anything else you think might help us to convince our administrators to change the policy. You can send E-mail to either of the following Br0ckp0rt m00ses: Bitnet -----> KARL or DC9887 @brock1p Internet ---> KARL or DC9887 %brock1p.bitnet@cornellc.cit.cornellc.edu Thank you all for your time, The Br0ckp0rt Thr0ng - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [An idea put forth by Lord Sabre.] Hey, all you m00ses out there in TVland!! I've got a conspiracy-enhancing thought! Does anyone with Internet access know how to create Alt groups on Readnews? If so (da da duummmmmmm)-- ALT.M00SE!!!!!!!!! Alt groups can apparently be created by anyone who knows how, and they're carried by a lot of different places on the Netnews system. I have felt for a while the M00se need a stronger Internet Access, and well, this is our chance, whaddya say? [Almost immediately upon receiving Sabre's letter, I received a file containing complete instructions on starting Internet newsgroups. (Coincidence? I think not.) The file is much too long to include here, and the procedure is rather complicated. It could be best handled by somebody who has full access to the Internet. Any volunteers, please contact me and I'll send the file. -WRD] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [A fine proposal from JiMb00se.] I have a proposal. We M00ses are obviously opposed to the war in the Middle East, since it takes away valuable time from important M00sey activities such as the drinking of fine ale and kicking small bits of cloth around a lawn to impress women-folk. But it seems inevitable that some M00ses or friends of M00ses or family of M00ses will be dragged over there to fight in the desert. I have never been to war, but I would imagine that those who are there would very much appreciate a kind word from home. I have read that mail addressed to 'Any Service Person' is clogging up the system so much that regular mail is slowed down. Also, mail from some anonymous stranger simply CAN'T be a fulfilling as mail from someone you are related (however tenuously!) to. Here is my suggestion: if you know of a PARTICULAR person who would appreciate a large quantity of rather unusual mail from a diverse population of odd characters, perhaps you could let us all know and we could write to them. I suggest people should be chosen with the following priorities in mind: 1> M00ses first 2> People who wouldn't call the cops on us for being weird second 3> Families of M00ses third 4> Friends of M00ses fourth Actually, it might be best to concentrate our efforts on some ONE person. Maybe Pickle could moderate... [I fear I could not be the moderator. I barely have time to edit the news- letter, as you can see! I think it's a great idea, though. My mother has a second cousin once removed (what does that mean, anyway?) who is in the desert. A Pink Iguana Tavernite has just been sent. I'm sure we can find some worthy targets. -WRD] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Another, slightly similar, but more festive suggestion from Mugwump.] i was compiling my christmas card list this afternoon, & got to thinking: how about compiling a m00se christmas card list -- a list of people all m00ses would be encouraged to add to their christmas card lists. my list currently includes such exciting people as: the director of the national injury information clearinghouse the commander of the u.s. army nuclear and chemical agency the chief of the mass media bureau of the fcc and other such fun and exciting people whose lives would probably be brightened by receiving cards from an "organization" such as the m00se. the list could, of course, be distributed through the droppings. sound like fun? if so, i'll go ahead and type in my list, if not, i won't take the time (not that i mind doing it, but my life is hectic & i don't want to spend the time for something that won't get used.) bl00p, mugwump (who's not in a caps mood today) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Wasted M00se provides us with these two news items. 0's slashed and plurals corrected by me, for clarity.] SCITUATE, R.I. (UPI) -- A wayward m00se, the first to be seen in Rhode Island in several years, has apparently decided to return to more familiar surroundings. A dispatcher with the town Police Department said Tuesday the m00se, reported to be about 7 feet tall, was seen three days ago running toward the Scituate Reservoir. It has not been sighted since, said the dispatcher, who declined to give his name. Thomas A. Greene, a deputy with the state environmental enforcement division, said his department had confirmed the m00se sighting, but he was reluctant to talk about it. "We're trying to discourage as much publicity as we can," Greene said. "We'd rather not have people out harassing it and chasing it across the street." Greene said Rhode Island is an atypical place for a m00se to be, and that one shows up every three or four years. The m00se was reported to have antlers about 1 foot high, but it was uncertain whether it was a male or a female. Authorities advised Rhode Islanders to back off if they see the m00se and then call police. ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- Big Richard, the amorous Adirondacks m00se famous for wooing cows, horses and even a pig, has state conservation officials concerned because his radio collar is losing its ability to beep. The bull m00se is the only one in the state with a transmitting noose, said Department of Environmental Conservation biologist Al Hicks, and now that he is needed more than ever he's given everyone the slip. The loss of the signal is coming just as the state agency is studying whether to introduce female m00ses to New York's wilderness for breeding purposes, Hicks explained. And the radio collar's signal is so faint that as of two weeks ago state m00se trackers have been unable to find him. Big Richard, now playing hard-to-get, was last seen in the Saranac Lakes area munching apples and ogling some horses, state wildlife officials reported. Hicks estimates that between 15 and 30 m00se spend at least a part of their year in New York, while Big Richard appears to have settled permanently. "Where he is now is anyone's guess. We have not had contact in two weeks," Hicks said. The transmitting problems are worsened, he said, by hilly terrain that at best keeps signals down to about two miles. Hicks said Big Richard had been collared twice already. "He was re-collared a couple of years ago in Lewis County on a dairy farm," Hicks said. Apparently farmers complained at the time that he was making some cows nervous, Hicks said. "We expect to lose the signal because the collars only have a limited life expectancy," he added. But Hicks said the passionate m00se's amorous adventures, including a rumored liaison with a pig, may be overstated. "He just wants the company of other animals and there are a variety of farm animals up in Saranac Lake," he said. The m00se shouldn't present much of a problem until next year, Hicks added. "The mating season ends in October," he said. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Another impressive progress report from SNAFU M00SE.] M00sedom is strong and thriving on the Clemson Campus and in the Mid- Upper-South East. We are organizing stuff for a big convention that is rolling into the area at the end of next semester, and hope to muchily confuse and confound everyone that we meet. Our primary goal right now is to get some t-shirts printed with a small M00se symbol on the left breast pocket. That should hopelessly confuse anyone who attempts to figure out what the symbol is. Other projects are regular postings of Important Messages (tm). We have thousands of little scraps of paper with the pyramid and antlers (tm) photo- copied onto it. We write some strange and confusing note on the scrap like: 'Breathing is Essential,' 'Remember the Dwarf,' or 'Beware the M00ses of Dawn.' Then we pick a number at random and title it Important Message # (tm) (note the confusion factor goes up if the masses see the same message with two different numbers or if they see two different messages with the same number). We take these Important Messages (tm) and post them all over campus or just hand them to people we dont know (you should see the look of confusion as the person tries to figure out who you are and what the scrap of paper means). Our infiltration campaign is also running successfully. We have a m00se on the local radio show, and at least three m00ses on the campus films-and- video committee (an excellent chance to pick the stranger or more confusing movies... Brazil comes to mind). So the MUSELIX (tm) Throng is thriving well and spreading the conspiracy across the southlands. Happy M00semass. Snafu M00se Official Unofficial Big Grand Poobah of the MUSELIX Throng of The M00se Illuminati -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ****************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Informative m00se/car collision data from Lord Sabre.] Having read Mugwump's close automotive m00se encounter, I am forced to draw upon my superior knowledge of m00ses (the bovine kind, what we drew our inspiration from), and clear up a few misconceptions. First off -- he believed hitting the m00se would have damaged the m00se, the car, and himself. Two out of three isn't bad. However, the m00se that could be damaged by anything less than a '66 Chevy made out of steel and the size of Montana has yet to be born. More than likely, the m00se would have mistaken Mugwump's smushing his car against him as an overture of friendship. Second, and this is the absolute truth, when encountering a M00se standing in the middle of the road, wait *patiently* for the m00se to decide to move. Don't rev the engine, the m00se will simply watchand try to figure out why you make those silly noises. And *don't* honk your horn at him. Leviam00se's truth -- a car horn sound means (in Primal M00se), "I am a Bull M00se who will take your mate, stop me if you can!" **THE M00SE WILL CHARGE AT YOU, RAMMING YOUR CAR WITH ALL ITS STRENGTH!!!!!** Believe it -- unless you want a ton-and- a-half of Mutant Deer smashing your front end into modern art, *don't honk the horn!* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Gary Olson, bless his heart, passed on this little gem. Ten to one, Ann Landers won't print it. I left the whole thing in caps, since it's possible the author wanted it to be read entirely in a shout. Try to forgive the meter.] DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL HOPE THE DEVIL TREATS YOU WELL NOW THAT ALL YOUR KILLING'S THROUGH YOUR ETERNAL PUNISHMENT HAS COME DUE DRIVE A CARROT THROUGH YOUR HEART SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FROM THE START BUT THE EASTER BUNNY YOU WERE NOT NOW YOU'RE WHERE IT'S NICE AND HOT DEMON RABBIT WITH TEETH SO WHITE STALKING VICTIMS IN THE NIGHT RIP THEIR THROATS OUT; DRINK THEIR BLOOD DRAG THEIR BODIES THROUGH THE MUD RABBIT PELLETS WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU NOW YOU'RE PLAYING HUMAN-FOO DEMON RABBIT WITH CLAWS SO BLACK SEE HIM SPRING FOR THE ATTACK DEMON RABBIT, YOU'RE NO SAINT DEMON RABBIT, BUGS YOU AIN'T SPEND THE NIGHT CONSUMING GORE COME SUN-UP YOU'LL WANT SOME MORE SPREAD YOUR TERROR FAR AND NEAR FILL YOUR VICTIMS FULL OF FEAR DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL THIS POEM'S DONE--AIN'T IT SWELL? --Faye Levine/"Demon Rabbit" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [More on the Age of m00siness, from Lord Sabre, Prophetm00se.] In the time after the Third Sign, it will come to pass that the Third Sign will bring about the Fourth Sign, which is not to be confused with either the first or second signs, nor should we decide that the Fourth Sign is a Cosine of the Third Sign, or that the Third Sign may not just be another application of the Sixth Sign, and no, I haven't been watching the Seventh Sign, though my roommate told me all about it.... "CHEESEBURGER!!!!!! LARGE FRIES!!!!! ORANGE SODA!!!!!" the All-Powerful Leviam00se will shout. "What is WRONG with you???!!!" "Mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm?" "NNNNNNRRRRRRLLLGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" and Leviam00se will utterly crush the hamburger stand beneath his feet. Whereupon he will cross the street and go to Pizza the Hutt. George Herbert Walker Bush, the Forty-First president and the president with the stupidest name since William Taft, will be sitting at his desk. He will be pondering the ways to reduce the budget and increase the military, simultaneously. "Hmmm. Now, the Great Depression ended when America went to war against Germany, the last time. And that also increased the Military...and Germany has reunified...." "Mr. President," the intercom will buzz, "the Vice-President is here to see you." "Give him his daily lollipop and send him away." "He insists on seeing you sir. He's also offered to tip me three hundred dollars." "Eh? Must speak to his father. Right, send him in." The small, spindly form of the Vice President will enter, being followed by six huge men in spandex tights. "Dan? Who are they?" "They're my new...Secret Service agents, Georgie-Poo. And call me Vince." "Vince?" "Vince Quayle. I'm here to discuss the terms of your abdication." "Abdication? Dan--er, Vince, you're crazy! No one would accept you as president! You're...well," "Hmm. Hawk, Animal, Anvil -- why don't you 'Convince' the President." Vince Quayle will step outside as the noise rose behind him. That evening, in a heartfelt message, George Bush will tell the American people from his Hospital room that he feels Vincent Quayle, Jr. would make a fine president, and he hopes the country will prosper. This will be the Fourth Sign. We're absolutly sure it's the Fourth One. Not the Third, not the Fifth, Eight is right out. Somewhere in a Pizza Hut, his order taken, Leviam00se will munch on a breadstick. And wait. And Wait. And Wait.... More, as the Muse comes upon me (get your minds out of the Gutter.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Information on what may possibly be an undiscovered sign of the M00se Age, from Mitya the Red M00se.] Zdravstvuite, and bl00pski! I have an interesting story to relate, regarding my recent trip to the Franconia Notch area of New Hampshire. While traveling the back lane of Rt. 302 south with my fiance (who may or may not become a m00se soon--I'm working on it), we came across a most perplexing sign. It looked like this: |-------------| | | | MOOSE | | | | | | X - ING | | | | | |-------------| [] [] [] [] Jen and I puzzled over this for quite some time. We even pulled the car over to ponder this odd sign. What did it mean? The 'x' obviously stood for a blank. We arbitrarily decided that this was a "fill-in-the-blank" sign, for passing motorists to fill in with whatever they happened to see a m00se doing. They could see a m00se 'walk'-ing or 'run'-ing or 'bl00p'-ing, so it was a very versatile sign in our opinion. But then a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if the New Hampshire road commission wanted to place a sign but because of local obscenity laws, could not put certain words on the sign??!! What are these m00se in New Hampshire doing on the side of Rt. 302 that the New Hampshire road commission cannot detail their activities??? I think the m00ses of America deserve some kind of explanation of this kind of activity. Or am I just blowing this WAAAAYYY out of proportion? Inquiring m00ses want to know. Do svidaniya, and if you must bl00p, pull the shades down, tovarishch! Mitya the Red M00se. ================================================================================ WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE ================================================================================